Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Congatulations! You've made another trip around the sun.

I must apologise up front for this one, it will be a little muddled (read: A complete train wreck of different ideas), the reason for this being that I am short of time at the present moment. It all started nearly 18 years ago, 07/09/1993 to be precise... and that’s pretty much the story. For those of you who did not get my most perspicuous explanation, I shall spell it out for you in layman’s terms; at the time of writing this there are but 25 hours between me and full-fledged adulthood.

Aye, it would appear that through some fluke, divine intervention, stroke of luck etc, I have managed to survive to the age at which I am legally allowed to vote, buy shiny, new knives and be legally tried as an adult. Thinking back on it, I really should have got more hardcore criminality in while the getting was good. Oh well, I guess a life of petty illegality will have to suffice. Speaking of petty illegality, I’ve increased the frequency of the drinks to mark this supposedly joyous occasion. Specifically, I had a surprise gathering of sorts organised by a friend yesterday, next to the London eye, a rather muddy patch of grass to keep us nice and damp. It’s a shame I never employed the line “You are 100 years too early to trick me” because unbeknownst to them, I actually knew about the whole thing for a rather long time. There is nothing quite like watching your friends scurry around you in secrecy, rather poorly I might add. A choice line that I received in the form of a text, completely out of the blue might I add, was “Do you like jam?”. Now, I’m no expert on sweet tasting spreads... Wait, who am I kidding? I love the stuff! Particularly strawberry jam, oh and you can’t forget marmalade, lemon and lime is to die for... but I digress; this would have piqued the suspicions of even the most dim-witted of fellows. It was about as tactful as knocking me out with a rock, dumping me next to the eye and shouting SURPRISE!

Apart from drinking, I’ve also had to contend with the looming sword of Damocles that is the rapidly approaching college year, specifically concerning my complete lack of preparatory work. Anybody that has known me for more than a week knows I do as little work as possible for maximum effect, therefore, if there is a chance I can glide into the next year and bullshit my way through the first few weeks, I’m all for it. Let’s just hope my assumptions (unlike all the ones before it) are correct.

When the sun rises, I am forced to return to said place and commence my induction. I think it involves brainwashing and the taking of DNA samples, I can’t quite remember. Either way, it seems more trouble than it’s worth; a necessary evil in the loosest sense of the word.

Also, I thought it’d be prudent to inform you that my work at Squidlypib is slowly improving. Turns out that the environment has a fair bit of favouritism and I seem to be getting on well enough with those in charge to not be put on the dreaded reduced section at every available opportunity. Folded t-shirts for about 3 hours last Saturday, it was surprisingly relaxing; almost meditative. Should be receiving my first paycheque at the end of the week as it happens, wonder just how fast I can piss my hard earned scrapings up the wall. Me thinks that my liver will be on strike the end of next week.

Before I make another extended absence, I felt it proper to tell you that I have a residential course at some arse end of the country all of next week, therefore I will most likely not  post between now and then but never fear! I shall make the first post back so juicy with gossip and goings on that it will be indistinguishable from the convoluted plot of the average mind numbing soap opera. Stay tuned people.

A joke in celebration of the occasion

Q: Why couldn’t prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

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