Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Damn, I don't half talk some bollocks, don't I?

Good evening dear reader, it would seem that although I am finally at liberty post without the nagging of a guilty conscience to abate my progress, I have been struck dumb by the deft blow of a sudden wave of tiredness and as such, am not really in the mood to post at all. When I say guilty conscience, I’m actually referring to the constant nagging of various teachers and tutors for not finishing work. If there’s one thing I hate more than work, it’s the insufferable whinging of fools. Therefore, I rushed a rough version of my university statement to a level that, I’m told, is worthy of a final draft last night. Proceeded to finish an entire half season of Torchwood in a few hours, in order to negate the spoilers of a friend’s future theories on Dr Who. Meanwhile, I learned a whole load of bollocks about David Hume for philosophy, benzene rings for chemistry and photosynthesis for biology, all in the last few days. There are group-of-30-somethings based sit-com plots less tired than I am.

Hence, instead of the usual half-hearted attempt at a semi-informative-but-ultimately-pointless piece with a hefty dose of sarcasm, I will be nailing down a few choice pieces of advice/clichés that I most often dish out. If half as many people listened to my advice as the amount of people I complain to about the fact that people rarely listen to my advice, I would have an incalculable number. Not because it would be particularly large or anything, I’m just rather shit at maths.

McGee’s words o’ wisdom

1)   If you are reading this, you have no reason to be bored. Only boring people and those at work are bored. You have the internet, learn to use it.

2)   You are not depressed; if you were you wouldn’t be whining about it in a desperate attempt for attention.

3)   Knowledge is power. One misplaced fact can lead to a person’s downfall. Only reveal to those you trust and even then, only what is absolutely necessary.

4)   Pain is temporary; emotions fade over time. Never act out of emotion as rarely goes well.

5)  Every cliché has a nugget of truth, otherwise they would never have been repeated so often as to be classed as clichés.

6)   A well placed joke can diffuse any tense situation.

7)   Stop worrying so much. Unless your actions can have a direct effect upon an outcome, its fate should be of no consequence to you until you know it in certainty.

8)   Always try to understand your enemies. To understand your foe is to understand with absolute certainty whether your disagreement is one of principle or misunderstanding.

9)   Life is absurd. Do not assume it owes you anything, or you, it.

10)   Morality and terms such as “good” or “bad” are ones that are banded about by imbeciles and used by the ignorant. They are completely subjective and have no actual use, other than dividing groups arbitrarily via social constructs.

11)   A person is smart, understanding and open to reason. People are stupid, prone to conclusions and have a tendency for tribe mentality.

12)   Learn a person’s habits and you will know the person.

13)   Many of society’s most upheld and orthodox laws/views are based on the mythos of a bygone age. Do not hold what is widely thought to be sacrosanct to be the absolute truth.

14)   The key to persuading another is to make them believe that your views are their own. Plant the seeds of doubt within their mind, watch them blossom as they realise your point of view was the correct one all along.

15)   The key to winning an argument is not to persuade the opponent that you hold a truer opinion but to persuade them that you are right; do not argue that strawberry is better than chocolate, argue instead that we should all be able to choose which flavour we please.

16)   Do not plan. Ever. Set goals and constantly work towards them by whichever means are the most successful at the moment. A plan is made to be foiled.

17)   There is no such thing as failure, only a lesson yet to be learnt. You learn much more from failing than you do through being successful.

18)   Read up on philosophy if you can. The world would be a much more understanding, albeit, confused place for it if more people did.

19)   You are no better than any other human on earth. No matter how good you may be at pissing into the wind, it does not make you a better person as a whole than anyone else. Someone will always be better than you at whatever it is you think you are good at.

20)   Choose your words wisely. Your words are the shades of your vocabulary that will allow you to paint either the most beautiful picture or the crudest scrawling upon the mind of another. 

Joke because I’ve been told it should be shared with the world. Received it off of my philosophy teacher:

You know Greece is having its economic troubles at the moment; the sales of taramasalata and humus are way down.

They are afraid of a double dip recession.