Oh God, not this again...

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Without exams to circumscribe,

I’m free to write a diatribe!

Hello, hello, hello dear readers! The joyous days of my repeated attempts to entertain, confuse and, if the past posts are anything to go by, fail miserably to write in an effective, coherent manner, can once again commence. Had you bothered to read to any semblance of depth, you’d have noticed the previous post was concluded with a godawful joke. Now, before you think my flawless joke record besmirched by that abomination, it was, in fact written as the conclusion of the first post by my brand spanking new co-author, Brodie.C *insert appropriate level of fanfare here*. Hopefully his peculiar mind will birth posts as stillborn as my own, can’t have him outshining me now, can I?

Exams. The bane of my existence till not so long ago, yet with the great beast slain and my time finally wrenched from its all encompassing tyranny, I am left without my greatest motivator for updating this infernal time wasting dohicky; procrastination. My time is my own and now that I fill it with whatever and whichever pointless banality that my feckless mind deems fit, I have no reason to return to this platform in refuge under the crushing weight of responsibility. Meh, I guess I’ll just have to write spurious nonsense out of a misbegotten sense of purpose rather than whatever stupidity I previously thought constituted a tenable reason instead.

It is precisely here that I have run out of interesting things to tell you all, “You never let that stop you in the past!” I hear you cry, to you I say, “Fuck off, you try better”. However, I have decided a decent use for you, my bumbling collective; a tool of shame! That’s right; I shall divulge my goals to you in an attempt to shame myself through the laziness barrier, over the time wasting straits of procrastination right into the sweet bosom of self fulfilment.  First and foremost, exercise; my rolls could stock a large bakery. Secondly, learn maths; my skills with said matter are so bad, were I to die, humanity’s collective mathematical ability will actually increase by a sizable degree. Thirdly, write more of this bollocks. During the course of the summer period, I plan to get a fair few posts written of a quality unrivalled by anyone bar the mentally challenged and the illiterate.

There you have it; your summer of fun has just begun. Yay...

A joke twice as bad to make up for the previous post, hint hint, my humour impaired compatriot:

Q. What sort of tiles cannot be stuck on walls?

A. Reptiles!

Words, words, words

After giving myself a self indulgent pat on the back for working in a few rather hard to use words into every day conversation, albeit to the dismay of the recipient, I thought it about time to flex my logophillic side and write down a few of my favourite words at this current time. Thinking back on it, maybe using “excommunicate” at about 1 in the morning was a bit too much, even for me.

Little bit of narcissistic trivia before I jump into the main meat of the post; as the evening wears on and I grow increasingly weary, I seem to become more verbose. It really doesn’t help when you are in the midst of the early hours of the morn and you are trying to communicate with someone who is rather inebriated, I can tell you that much.

Without further ado, here are 10 of my choicest words:

1) Excommunicate –

 - To deprive of the right of church membership by ecclesiastical authority.

 - To exclude by or as if by decree from membership or participation in a group.

2) Zeitgeist –

- The spirit of the time; the taste and outlook characteristic of a period or generation.

3) Platitude –

- A trite or banal remark or statement, especially one expressed as if it were original or significant.

- Lack of originality; triteness.

4) Verbose (As if you hadn’t already noticed) –

- Using or containing a great and usually an excessive number of words; wordy.

5) Dendroid –

- Shaped like a tree.

6) Supercilious –

- Behaving or looking as though one thinks one is superior to others.

7) Perspicuous (Something I sorely lack in my writing)–

- Clearly expressed; easy to understand.

8) Squamous (Favourite word to say aloud; pronounced [skwey-muhs]) –

- Covered with or formed of squamae or scales.

- Scalelike

9) Schadenfreude –

- Satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

10) Eloquent (An adjective I aspire to)–

- Having or exercising the power of fluent, forceful, and appropriate speech: an eloquent orator.

Read this on the back of a cereal box, it had to be shared

Q:  What do you call a polar bear caught in the rain?
A:  A drizzly bear.

Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness (That's a bit much even for me)

Two posts in and my fears have already been realised; I’m incredibly verbose. I started this blog as another attempt at the whole social media shtick after the last disastrous attempt (the last time being on twitter, where I quickly reached levels of pseudo-intellectualism un-observable outside popular coffee chains), and therein lies my problem; how do I avoid a similarly embarrassing problem from occurring?

I must start by pointing out that my overuse of long words (almost said polysyllabic) stems from a love of language in general. It is rare that I get to use all the words at my disposal in every day conversation, as for one, there’s always an easier way of explaining yourself and two, I’d have to spend half the conversation explaining what all these seldom used words meant. For that reason and that reason alone, I intend to flex the metaphorical muscles of my mind at every opportunity, if only to find a use for all the strange words I’ve come across recently (e.g. squamous, dendroid, litany), that would have no place in everyday language.

Just thought I’d clear that up before my façade of frankly gratuitous and overtly pretentious language was misconstrued as some form of vacuous smokescreen for a lack of true substance...  yeah of course not...

Joke o’ the hour (You didn’t think I only had the one now, did you?)

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?

A. A Stick